The David Lester Averman Show
by Queen of the Cake-eaters
Summary: (Completely Re-vamped January 24) Thanks for tunning, in today's news your the weird kid that was forced into yet another school in Freezingville Minnesota. Let's see what happens, shall we?
1. Default Chapter

AN: January 25, 2005 Yes I'm resurrecting this story. No promises yet but I did sit down and fix the darn thing. I assure you there are still a butt-load of errors, but I tried. I don't quiet have a new chapter to add, but I did tack on an extra five hundreds words or so. Read it, revel in it, and love it. Later.

I grabbed another box and sighed. 37 steps up the curb, 28 stairs and twelve steps later I found myself in my new room. It's Smaller than the last, but still a vast improvement over two rooms ago.

Sir stopped off at my door, "Everything okay?"

"Yep," I sighed crossing the room. Twelve more steps to the stairs, 28 down them, 37 to the curb. I grabbed another box. You'd think after so many moves we'd learn to not bring so much crap. But alas, my mother is a pack rat who's moved across the country with all of her junk. I swear half of these boxes have never been unpacked. They've moved everywhere from Idaho to Florida all across this great Nation. Sir is a general in the army. Which equals to us moving every few months. I really don't mind. I guess. I sighed again and headed to the kitchen with my box.

"Ah, sweetie where do you think it should go?" My Mom said when she spotted me. I pity the movers. 'It' is my Moms chaise lounge. I swear sometimes she loves that thing more than me. It's huge and vibrant purple, and even though every house we've moved into has been furnished we have to bring the stupid chaise. It makes her feel like a woman from those romance novels she reads, her favorite being Gone with the Winds. I just thank God my name isn't Ashley, Mom always thought that Ashley should have gone for her… There it is, the exact reason I am a social outcast. I think I'm the only eleven years old who has a mental debate over Gone with the Wind….

"Whatever you think Mom," I said shrugging and heading back up the stairs. I started unpacking with my computer and books. I have a ton, but never gotten around to reading half of them. I'm not really a sit around in the afternoon reading type, much to my Mothers dismay.

Later that night I glanced up at the clock. Nine p.m. shower time. We run like clockwork, military precision clockwork. I headed to the shower, wouldn't want to disrupt the system, I thought. My shower time was spent trying hopelessly to remove the smell of moving, you know the icky cardboard boxes mixed with sweat, not attractive on any one. Completely defeated I stepped my achy body out from under the stream of hot water, if I scrubbed much longer I'll be translucent. Quickly I dressed myself cursing the cold air. Now clad in my space pj's I started on the daunting task of brushing my teeth and doing all the other things Mom's seem to nag you about. Glancing up in the mirror I found myself horrified. Tooth paste dribbling down my chin I studied myself, how can I, after six and a half months of living in Texas, still be pasty white? The curse of being a red head I mused sliding on my thick glasses. I just recently had to get glasses, because apparently I wasn't enough of a freak.

"For those of you who have just tuned into the My Life is Over at Eleven, The David Lester Averman story here's what's been going on lately. We've moved into the middle of Freezingville, Minnesota. Famous for goon headed hockey playing and now the current hometown of the man himself Averman." I roared for the audience.

Teachers ride me off for a screw off, mainly because I am. Kids my age think I'm a freak, mainly because half the time I'd rather talk to myself than someone else. They cant possible understand that sometimes I just feel like having an intelligent conversation, and I happen to be the only one on my level. Sir thinks I don't apply myself, and mom she uses me as the ultimate accessory. She really wanted a daughter, you know someone to shop with and talk with and be girly, and instead she got me. So I fill the role of the daughter she never could have by listening intently to all her novels and helping her make dinner and on rare occasion doing yoga. "That's right ladies and gentleman I'd beat myself up," I mumbled under my breath.

"Time to head in Les," Sir said knocking on the door. "You got school Tommrow," Ahh yes, my least favorite words. It is time once again to start a new school, yet another day of retarded teachers asking me where I'm from and to share a little something about me. Another day of kids sitting around picking their nose and staring at me, oh yes I'm that captivating don't you know. I took one last glance in the mirror sticking my tongue out at my reflection. Crossing the hall I yelled, "Goodnight Mom,"

"Goodnight sweetheart." She called in a sing-y voice.

"Goodnight Sir," I nodded to him as he passed me in the hallway.

"Goodnight Les, sleep well." He nodded back.

I closed my door behind me looking around my room. The floor covered with boxes and clothes my tiny bed shoved up in a corner. Home sweet home I thought trying to find a path to my bed. I collapsed under the covers falling asleep immediately.

"David Lester Averman, get down here right now. You're going to be late for school." My Mother called from the bottom of the stairs. I groaned willing my eyelids to open. 'Too early' I mumbled into my pillow.

"Come on sleepy head," Sir's voice came floating from behind me.

"Too early, too cold." I said griping my blankets a little tighter. He laughed coming across my room.

"You got school kiddo." I groaned hearing the evil word. The s-word is profanity in my world.

"I'll drop out, develop my side show act." He laughed again pulling my covers

"We'll discuss it," He said amused. "After you go to school." He added making me groan

An act of God caused me to become upright. An act of mothering caused my belly to be full of cereal. An act of insanity got my out the door with out faking sick.

"Walk six block straight turn left and your there." My Mom called shoving me out the front door. Her perkiness annoyed me. School annoys me. Minnesota sucks.

Six blocks away from my new school, I sighed inwardly. Oh yeah I'm excited about school. "Think of all the new people you'll meet," my mom had gushed while shoving more toast down my throat. Great, I get to meet more dumb people. I hate people. I'm anti social. Oh yeah I can feel myself getting all hyped. Not.

I checked in with the office and found my classroom. Did you know that every classroom that I've been in has had the same stupid alphabet going across the ceiling? You would think by the fifth grade we'd know our ABC's. Maybe kids in Minnesota have permanent brain damage from the cold. I pondered this while the teacher happily chattered handing me all my books. He was a stereotypical nerd, balding with glasses and almost a nasal way of talking.

"Class we have a new student, David Averman, lets make him feel welcome," Mr. Fillmore said when class started up. I gave a lame smile to him. Thankfully I wasn't asked to go up and tell them about myself. Instead I was assigned a "buddy" to help me around. Her name is Connie. She seems nice and pretty, in a future cheerleader of America way.

The bell rang letting us go for lunch. This school has a cafeteria. I found my way through the masses filling my tray with the delicacies of public school before finding my new table in the corner. Another lunch alone, joy. In a couple of weeks I'd find someone to sit with but till then I'd have to rely on good old me for entertainment.

'Alright ladies and gentleman welcome to the School Sucks and then you die the David Lester Averman show. Today we have a fabulous game going, you favorite and mine, find that click. My eyes swept over the cafeteria. Ahh the popular click. Lets start there shall we? All right you have your typical skinny blonde your faithful brunette sidekick. Ah and yes that girl from class, Connie I think. But where is the queen? I clicked my teeth searching the table, aha, there she is. Not exactly what I was expecting, she has curly black hair and deep chocolate skin very exotic looking. All right well name her Cleopatra.' I decided talking another bite of my ham and cheese. Next I skimmed the dorks next, followed by the jocks. I was disappointed to find there was nothing new to report, just the same old it old. I took another bite out of my sandwich, convinced that this school would never be any different than the last six seven, hey who's counting any more?

I finished up my lunch throwing it in one of the gigantic trash cans. I cold hear my Mother already, once she caught sight of how much food were wasting here she'd be all over the PTA lecturing about starving children in Africa. Can you imagine what those kids parents lecture about, "Now kimbjojo my son, you must stay moral through your urges, just think of all those dirty American sluts. They don't have enough morals to learn these things, you are very lucky." Parents are the same everywhere: clueless.

"Hey Goldberg you crow in my space man," Some random person yelled somewhere off in the distance catching my attention. I looked up scanning trying to find the source. I came up empty. Could it be, was I loosing my touch? Could it be that David Lester Averman could not identify someone?

I plan on being an annalist person for the CIA when I grow up. I can read people really well just from a first impression. Then I study them, make sure I'm right. And I'm _always_ right. Hey I'm a bored kid with an over active imagination, what else am I suppose going to do, my homework?!


	2. Pudding anyone?

"Mom, I'm home," I said throwing down my backpack, kicking off my shoes and heading into the kitchen.

"Hey Sweetheart," She floated down the stair and gave me a hug. "How was your first day?" She looked hopeful. I hate it when she looks hopeful. She's always nagging me about making some real friends, she claims not having a social life is tragic for some one my age. It's never really bothered me, you know the whole anti-social bit really works for me.

I sighed taking a breath, I meant to say Mom it sucked, now lets talk about my side show act. Instead when I opened my mouth, words pouring from me. "Oh it was great. I really love my new teacher Mr. Fillmore, He's great and very funny and I think him and me will get along great. And this one girl her names Connie, she's really nice, she helped me all day long and she likes chess to, so we might do that together some time. And then there was this one kid, um Something Goldberg I don't remember his first name but it's not important seeing everyone calls him Goldberg. He's so cool, I ate lunch with him and his friends." Stupid, stupid, stupid, I kept thinking as I listened to myself, chess for Christ sake where do I come up with this stuff? I looked up at my Mom expecting to see her glaring at me, she would see through my charade. But no, she was beaming with happiness. I was lying through my teeth.

"That's wonderful baby, what did I always tell you. You just have to let people know what a sweet boy you are," Yeah Mom, forget your jocks or your all around best at everything, I mean who needs them when you have a sweet boy around to knock senseless. How inspiring.

"You were right Mom, Minnesota's great." I walked over to the fridge pulling out a snack. "I just had to give it a chance." I added for good measure.

"That's great sweetie," I left the room to avoid her seeing the eye roll I felt coming on.

"I'm going to go get at that homework, I wouldn't want to fall behind." I trudged up the stairs book back in tow. I sat down at my desk surveying my kingdom. Mom had most definitely been here. The room was spotless, even the boxes that I hadn't unpacked looked like they'd had a once over with windex. I hate nothing more than a clean room. I can never find anything when it's this clean.

I sighed resolving to un-do Mom's damage after I actually did come homework. I glanced over to find that I had covered almost everything before, which came as a relief. I could lie about my teachers, my social life and even my attitude. But you can't lie forever about your grades.

"Bye Les," Sir called getting into his car. I waved back walking down the steps to the curb. Have you ever had the feeling that you life just mirrored a moment from the 1950's? I get that a lot.

Well think about, I mean you got Sir. Him and me, were not all father/son moment inclined. Then there's my Mom, who's all about sitting around reading and making cookies and calling every one sweetheart. And the house, it's a two story colonial, with all the shutters and the perfect green lawn. Were a cut out from one of those fifties movies. You know were there's always the paperboy throwing the newspaper and some fat guy mowing the lawn.

I was so wrapped up in my musing I hadn't noticed the presence beside me. I glanced over studying the person who dares walk on my sidewalk. Oh boy.

Not the kind of kid you want knowing were you live to say the least. He was tall, a whole head taller than me. He had long dark hair and combat boots. I'm toast, I decided immediately. Should I say my goodbyes now or later? Which payment option do you prefer cash check or charge?

Wait a minute Les you dummy, I said analyzing the situation. He hasn't spoken a word or hit anything yet. Maybe you judge wrong, or maybe there are just too many witnesses around. I glanced around to find I was safe, tons of kids littered the sidewalks the entire stretch to the school. I shall live one more day. I kept varying my pace the rest of the distance. Only to find that he constantly matched it. I was in trouble.

"Bye," I mumbled as we parted for our different classrooms. Day two of school, I thought pushing through the crowded playground. How could I possible contain my excitement? Woohoo. It's like freaking Christmas ya'll.

My bitterness lasted me a good part of the morning. Eventually however I ran out of 'I'd much rather be doing blanks' and was forced to start listening as Mr. Fillmore lectured.

I couldn't help but start to wonder if teachers get special training on how to be boring. I mused shifting in my desk. I mean where else would they learn to perfect there "settle now kids, settle down."

"Now children we need to settle down, settle," Fillmore said yet again. I add another mark on my worksheet that makes fifteen times. That has to be some kind of record. Maybe I'll look it up in my copy of Guinness Book, He'd be a shoe in for lamest person ever.

Thankfully the bell rang right before we hit twenty. I was contemplating the best way to commit suicide when the lunch bell rang. 'Another day in that fun filled place, the cafeteria. Welcome back to our program.' I thought in my announcer voice. 'All right what to do this lunch hour, oh I know let's find dark man.'

Yes I'd already named my stalker. Okay, so he wasn't stalking me he just wanted to walk to school. But why did he walk directly next to me, sure it might have been because we happened to walk at the same pace, but maybe he was choosing to walk that slowly. And why did he choose to always match my pace? And why did he walk on my side of the sidewalk? Maybe he lives on that side of the street to. Or maybe he just wants me to think he lives on that side of the street. Maybe… Maybe…

Maybe he's a psychotic killer, that's right folks stick a fork in me it's over. I can see the headlines now, "I'm Connie Chung and tonight on the six a clock news, the sweet young boy viscously killed by none other than Dark man. Officials say there looking into to it. But did you see the mug shot of this kid, really I would kicked his butt. In other news…" I shook my head Connie Chung is so annoying.

I stop shaking my head and look up to spot none other than dark man. Sitting at my table, staring at me. I glare back. I know what your up to Dark man, and I will never surrender.

I'm forced to break contact when a large mass passes thought the middle isle. They're talking, loudly ergo throwing off my evil vibes. Can't they see that someone is trying to save their life from another's evil clutches???

"Hey are you going to eat that?"

"In your dream Goldie,"

"Come on, I'm hungry. You know my mom's got me on this psycho diet, you know what we had for dinner last night, steamed broccoli."

"Ah, man."

"Jess, thank you I'm glad some one feels my pain,"

"No man, at least with you being fat you take up room in the net. I was hoping you'd get fat enough that you could just fill it up. Then we might have a shot."

"Thanks for the touching sentiment. Now give me your pudding."

"Like hell," The one named "Goldie" (no relation to Hawn, trust me) went to grab the pudding. He lunged but the other kid was to fast.

"Let's see ya stop this," Another shorter kid yelled throwing an opened cup of chocolate pudding towards the pudgy kid.

It flew in slow motion, and landed on my head.

"Goldberg," Everyone chorused.

Checklist time, how to know your officially having the worst day ever. Did you start your day off wrong by being stalked by a psycho bully who is no doubt planning you demise this very moment, Check. Is your head covered in pudding, Check. Is your name David Lester Averman, Check.

It's official I've just had the worst day ever recorded. I'll have Dark man arrange a parade in my honor.

"Sorry about that," One kid said. I have no clue what he looked like; I was still removing pudding from my glasses.

"No, no thank you its just one more thing off my list of things to do before I die." I replied, not even a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

It took them a moment to get my joke and give me a sympathy laugh. I got up abandoning my lunch and Dark man, it was time to clean up and think up one hilarious story to tell when I get home.


	3. thirteen to zip and a tossed salad

"Hey mom I'm home," I yelled doing my ritual dance of kicking off my shoes and removing my jacket.

"Oh sweetheart I'm so glad your hear I've been thinking, you know those little friends you made, what if they came over for a little party, we can have…" Yes Mom, keep chatting on about imaginary friends and don't look up. It's not like your only son is covered in dairy product or anything. "David Lester Averman, what on earth's name happened to you?" She asked finally looking up. See my Mother is the kind of mom who would have problems with her kid coming home covered in pudding. She's a real clean freak, and here I walked down the entire neighborhood untidy, I mean _what_ would the neighbors think???

Suddenly all of my witty and wonderfully planned out stories went flying out of my head. "Well, um see it's this thing. With um, Goldberg and a Jesse and um Connie and a couple other kids, I got initiated into there little group."

"You did not join a gang. I swear David if you did there will be major consequences."

Oh yeah Mom big tough me joined a big bad-ass gang. Mhmm, in fact I need an advance on my allowance to buy a motorcycle and a fake tattoo so I can roam the tough streets with the pudding squad. "No mother,"

"Then what is it exactly?" She questioned staring me straight in the eye.

"Well see, it's kinda a secret club thing, and well I've already said way too much." Nice one idiot I mentally kicked myself.

She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow, "Fine, don't tell me what going on." She sighed shaking her head. "Just go upstairs and clean up, and bring those dirty clothes down to me. And then you can start on your homework."

"Yeah Mom sure," I said heading up the stairs. And for the second day in a row I actually did some of my homework. What is the world coming too? Around the time I was convinced I caught the bubonic plague, for it was the only explanation for my behavior, I realized I have much bigger problems than lame ass science. I think ever Mr. Fillmore would understand me not finishing it when you have a crisis such as a psycho killer/stalker. I mean wouldn't something like that be in the student handbook or something?

"Les, can you come down here for a minute?" Sir yelled from down stairs.

"Yeah, just one second." Like I don't have anything better to do trying to save my own life isn't _that_ important. I sighed simply knowing that my Mother could never understand. I ran down the stairs only to find my Mom and Sir sitting side by side on the couch. I knew in an instant, they were going to break some news to me. Something big. I sat down across the room on the opposite sofa.

"You know we love you," my mom started, crap it's bigger than expected. "And nothing can change that, but." She paused and looked over at sir. "But I'm pregnant sweetie," She smiled hopefully.

"What?" My mouth said before my brain had time to tell it to shut up.

"John and I are having a baby, were adding to the family. We talked about this." She said eyeing me carefully. Yes mother but there's a difference between being asked a question while I was playing video games and you really having a baby. I mean I knew her and sir had ya know, been trying, but ewe.

I nodded. Suddenly all vocal capabilities left me. I think I'm having a stroke or an heart attack or something.

"And I talked to my bosses, and they've agreed to let me transfer here, for good." I think I've officially stopped breathing people. "Your Mom said you were settling in here, we thought it was time." Sir looked at me. I couldn't look back at him. I just got up and bolted for my room. A baby… Here… There was only one person in the entire world who could make this any better. I went to the phone in the hallway and punched in the familiar numbers.

"Hello," Came from the other line.

"Hey da-,"

"I'm not home right now, but feel free to leave a message after the beep" Great the answering machine.

BEEP "Hey Dad, I just wanted to talk to you seeing I haven't in, well forever. Um, I'm fine, I just wanted to talk, ya know. That things normal Fathers and Sons do, anyway um I'll here for a while. Quite a while, I'm here permanently and um yeah." My voice cut off. "Just call me sometime alright," I hung up and crawled into my bed.

'Well ladies and gentleman a interesting development I'm officially eleven being stalked by the scariest kid you've ever meet, I've made up friends for my mother's sake, Mom and Sir our officially disgusting, and your permanently stuck in the coldest hell location on earth. Yep, that about sums it up.'

I was up almost the entire night debating how horrible my life had now become.

"Les if you don't get down here right now your going to be late," I trudged down the stairs. There are tons in this house, one more for the negative.

"Bye," I called half-heartedly after taking some breakfast and grabbing my coat.

"He'll warm up to the idea, he didn't like you at first either," Mom said over to Sir, oh yeah I'm warming up to the idea and man it's just boiling here in Minnesota, yep a beautiful 110, right.

My gloom was amplified when I spotted Dark Man. Somewhere in my misery I'd completely forgotten about the boy who's going to kill. Today just keeps getting better and better huh?

"David, you might want this," Sir jogged up behind me holding my backpack. "Hi," He nodded to Dark Man.

"Hi," Dark man spoke back. He doesn't sound that intimidating.

I took my backpack, "Thanks Sir," I said not making eye contact before trudging away.

"Sir?" He asked questioning.

"You got a problem," I fired back. He held his hands up showing he meant no harm. "It's, he's not really my Dad or anything, Sir was just easier." I explained. He nodded like he completely understood. Oh, no I've fallen for it. He's lulling me into a false sense of security; buddy-ing up to me only then will he strike. Clever, I will give him that.

"Bye," he said over his shoulder once we reached the torture chamber, I mean school. I snorted he thinks he's so smart, I'll show him. I know what he's planning, or I'm not David Lester Averman. I shook my head; I've got bigger things to worry about than the boy who's attempting to plan a mass murder. Like he could spell murder. Anyway, like the whole my Mom's having a baby thing, much bigger.

"How could this happen?" I muttered under my breath.

"What?" Some one asked horning in on my freak out time.

"My Mom's pregnant," I said still in disbelieve.

"We've got bigger problems than excepted if you don't know that." The youth said chuckling. I glared at him.

"Okay, Okay. Look I just wanted to say sorry about the whole pudding fiasco," A ha, it is my attacker Pudding Man. "Greg Goldberg by the way, your new here right."

"Yep," I said simply.

"Well look man, I'll make it up to you, you can eat lunch with us."

"No flying dairy products, are we moving on to toss salad or what?" I asked. He started at me for a moment. He was debating how to react. He laughed finally.

"Your funny, I think this is the begging of a beautiful friendship." With the bell rang, he waved as he walked off.

Could this day get any weirder? Not to mention the fact that I can't be all anti-social, I'm actually stuck here. Thanks a lot mom, I owe ya. 'All right Ladies and gentleman settle in for an segment of the best show on this channel, Your eleven a loser and completely stuck here The David Lester Averman Show! Okay today we've had the joy of being stalked, and chatting with Pudding man himself Greg Goldburg.'

"Children settle." Don't you hate that, when your sitting there minding your own business carrying out a perfectly good show when someone interrupts bring you back to real life? I do, "Alright lets take out our reading books and do some silent reading," Mr. Fillmore said in his annoying nasal way of talking. I'm stuck with this freak for an entire year, great.

I pulled out my notebook and made yet another mark in the con column thirteen to zip. Yep it's official I'm doomed.


	4. Another attack and an invitation

"Hey Averman, over here." Greg yelled flailing his arms. I picked my through the cluster of happy clones over to their table. "Guys this is David Averman, he's new here. This is Charlie Guy Connie Jesse Karp Peter and Terry," He pointed out each as he went.

"Hi," I uneasily spoke. I'm normally a witty charming person, well at least in my head I am but get a large group of youths in front of me and I can't speak. I plopped my tray on the table and slid in next to Greg.

"Welcome to the table," The boy named Charlie said a goofy smile across his face. "Is it David or Dave?"

"Depends," I shrugged dissecting the 'food' in front of me. "Teachers call me David, at home I'm Les, I respond to anything. I've even responded to my favorite, Hey kid move." Charlie laughed shaking his head.

"Les?" Jesse asked looking at me funny.

"Yeah, it's my middle name." I explained.

The black boy nodded, "I like it better than Dave anyway."

"Hey what you talking about," Karp said completely confusing me. Before I got the chance to ask Karp started shoving Jesse who rammed into Charlie who dropped his milk carton, causing liquid to land all down my pants.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry."

"Oh no, it's cant possibly be your fault. Apparently the plants have aligned causing there to be cosmic force that attract dairy product to land on me." I said monotone sounding too much like Mr. Fillmore for my comfort.

"Maybe your calcium deficient?" Peter suggested laughing.

"All I know is you guys are a hazard to my wardrobe, is this an oh-so subtle hint?" I asked suddenly very amused with the whole situation. The table burst in to laughter followed by giggles followed by as many lame got milk jokes you could possibly think of.

The commotion finally died down enough as people slowly broke into smaller conversation groups. I grabbed my tray to leave; everyone already had some one to talk to. That right Les, they lavish you with dairy products and move on to their friends.

"Hey," I looked up into the deep brown eyes of Connie.

"Hi," I said back.

"You have Fillmore with me right?"

"Yeah," Good, more one-word answers, keep them guessing right.

"So," She said searching for something to say. I leaned back waiting. Let her be the conversationalist. "Isn't Fillmore a prehistoric snooze?" Connie asked flipping back her hair with a mild eye roll.

"Yeah, I didn't know that geeks had evolved that little in the last eight hundred years,"

She laughed. She has a great laugh. I made her laugh. "So, what are you doing after school?"

"Um, nothing really." I stuttered. "Why do you ask?" That was good Les, two near complete sentences.

"You could some to our practice," She said raising an eyebrow like my mom, "If you wanted that is?" She added.

"Practice?" I asked looking around at the group around of me trying to decide what this bunch of kids could possible do.

"Were the district five hockey team." She said with pride. "You could play if you want?" Aww, the big kids are inviting me to play hockey. That could be tragic.

"Ah, you wouldn't really want me to. I mean I can't even skate." Nice save by Les, I thought. Better to keep out of embarrassing situations.

"Neither can Karp," she laughed again. "I'll teach you."

"You will?" She nodded pressing her lips together. "Alright, teach me master. I am your vessel." She laughed again. Wait, did I just say yes?

We fell into a comfortable silence before Charlie yelled, "So is he coming or what?"

"Yeah," She said over the crowd, he gave me the thumbs up. "I warn you, Charlie's always scouting for more players. He'll want you to sign a three-year contract in no time."

The bell rang, as student shoved there way back into to the hallways I smiled. 'So ladies an gentleman your and my favorite show, Your Eleven and obsessed with dairy products The David Lester Averman show! On tonight's segment a shocking turn of event, I was invited to do something. With people, might I add? Okay so they invited me for hockey, I can deal. I mean I can be a hockey player right? I'm big tough and manly? I have coordination?' Nope, nope and nope. I groaned inwardly. Of courses there's a snag. A huge disasters snag. The kind of snag that goes down in history as the worst there's ever has been. Why is there always a snag? Oh yeah, I remember... I'm me. That about sums it up. On the upside I went an entire lunch without getting any foreign substances in my hair. That's what I'm calling an upside these days. I'm pathetic. I can see it now, "hi I'm Connie Chung and tonight they're holding a vigil for the poor boy who died last night. It seems some fellow friends and hockey team put the poor kid out of his misery after a disasters display of hockey/skating/coordination earlier that day. The group took the boy to dark man his crazed stalker. The parents only had this to say: well it's to bad but I'm not to worried. I'm pregnant again with a perfect child.: In other news Madonna buys clothes....."

I shook my head; I really need to stop watching the six a' clock news. I finally reached the holding cell some like to call a classroom, shuffled to my seat towards the back. Connie waved a sweet little wave. I smiled back weakly. Maybe if I'm lucky Dark man will strike before I have to meet up with them?

"It's on 74 street alright, you can't miss it." Connie caught up with me after the final bell. She carefully explained one last time how to get to the pond they practiced at.

I nodded, "Yeah, got it."

"Alright," She said her smiling illuminating the entire world, "I'll see ya then." She tossed her thick braid over her shoulder and caught up with a group of girls.

I started out on the familiar route home. I got half way home before I realized something was very different. There was no dark man in sight. Maybe I scared him off, I though puffing up my own chest. 'Yeah Les like that would really happen' I rolled my eyes. Maybe he got detention. Maybe he's in Juvie because they finally found enough evidence to put him behind bars for the slaying of a family in Idaho.

I shook my head. It wasn't important. I ran up the steps. "Mom, I'm home." I yelled throwing down everything and looking over at the clock. I had a half hour before I had to get out of here.

"Hey baby, I'm in here." I grabbed a pop from the fridge and started my quest to find exactly where 'here' was.

"Marco," I finally yelled.

"Polo," My mom laughed stepping out of the closet.

"Mother I had no idea," I joked. She paused for the longest moment before her eyes lit up. See that's one nice thing about Mom's they always get your weird jokes.

"Very funny," She said swatting me with the broom in her hand.

"Why are you sweeping a closet?"

"It was filthy." Better not look under my bed then, I though. My mom is a total neat freak. "Have a good day at school?" Mom asked polishing the door handle.

"Yeah actually I had a great day. I actually got invited to learn how to skate later this afternoon."

Mom dropped her rag and turned around, "Oh Les your first play date." She said in an awww tone, "that's so cute." Yes Mother it is, don't even consider that I am far too old to have play dates.

"Now I'll have to meet these kids, and there parents."

"Come on Mom. Let them get use to my weirdness before I inflict our family on them. Please? Just let me do one thing with them on my own, and then they can meet you and you can harass their parents. Please?"

She put her hands on her hips, "We are not weird. And neither are you. Who all is going to be there? Where are you meeting them?"

"At the pond. Its like two blocks from here. Let's see there's Charlie, Greg Goldburg um Peter, Dave, Connie, Jesse, Guy." I paused trying to think, "Yeah that's everybody."

"I don't know Les, I mean I would like to meet them." She stopped and looked at me. I gave her the puppy dog eyes. She sighed, yes she's caving. "What will you do if they are not there?"

"Come straight home." I responded.

"And if any one talked to you?"

"Don't talk back and get away." I replied trying to keep all sarcasm out of my voice.

"I still don't like it," She said. "But I guess you are old enough. You have to be home for dinner you understand. And be careful."

"I know Mom," I said throwing my arms around her in a hug, "Thanks."

I ran upstairs Connie told me to bring five dollars. There was a little hockey shop right there and they knew the owner would rent a pair to me. I grabbed the money out of my tin that I hid in my dresser. I literally bounded down the stair and stopped just long enough to yell bye put on my coat.

"Yes" I said closing the door. Not only was I going to hang out with people, but I convinced my Mom to not embarrass by coming. I headed in the direction of the school and started my journey for 74th street.


	5. Practice joy part one

Okay where is it? There's the school I thought as I passed the now vacant school playground. I hate to admit it, but I'm lost.

"What are you doing still here?" I jumped out of my skin when I heard some one's voice.

Turning only to find dark man himself. Great, now I have a great set up for him to kill me. Not a witness in sight. I can only imagine the CSI they'll make based on it.

"um, ah…" I stumbled over my own words. "What are you doing here?" I finally shot back. Not the best of comebacks, but it'll do.

"Mrs. Homer, a kindergarten teacher here asked me to help her hang some stuff." A likely story.

"You?" He asked again. His brown eyes meet mine with interest.

"Well," I sighed might as well admit it. "I'm a little lost." That's great admit it to him genius. Famous last words, any minute now he'll shove a knife through my gut.

He leaned against the chain link fence looking very tall all the sudden. "Maybe I can help."

Sure you can, I thought. But somehow my big mouth started saying, "I was supposed to meet up with Goldburg and Charlie and all them at a pond on 74th."

He laughed, "75th you mean."

"Connie specifically said 74th." I said replaying our conversation for the millionth time in my head.

"Well, this may come as a shock, but Connie's not always right. And I happen to know for a fact it's 75th. Come on, I'll take ya." He started walking in his cool slow nature.

I stood there for a moment. I had two options a) run screaming home to my Mommy who in turn would never let me do anything on my own again or b) leave my life in the hands of my psycho stalker. Apparently I picked b because before reason really kicked in I was following him. He led me about three blocks back and turned right. I could see the others already on the pond from a distance.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

He shrugged, "Have fun playing hockey."

"You sure you don't want to come?" Wait, who asked that I though looking around, oh no that was me.

By miracle of some god he was shaking his head. "Can't," and with that he trudged off. I exhaled and crossed the street.

"Hey," Greg waved to me, "We were thinking you wouldn't show."

"Get back to work you little monsters." A very large man barked.

"Coach, this is Les Averman," Jesse said as I joined them out on the ice. "Is it okay if he starts playing with us?"

The stocky man pulled his cigarette away from his lips, "Like I care kid. It's not like it'll change anything."

Charlie skated over, "Great, I'll just get it set up with Hans and we'll be right back." Charlie grabbed my arm and dragged me quickly.

"Hey Conway get back over here."

"Charming man," I said looking over my shoulder.

"Yeah," he said laughing. The walk up the hill was steep and left my ears cold. I hate the cold. It always makes me look like Rudolf the red-eared idiot. Finally we came across a rustic looking building.

"Hey Hans," Charlie called pushing open the door. A bell rang that hung from the ceiling. The warmth of the store engulfed me immediately.

"Hello Charlie," an elderly man came out from the back somewhere. He came into sight nodding to both of us. "Now what can I do for you?" Hi accent was thick making every word he said sound uber-important. I should add get a mysterious accent to my 'things to do before I'm killed by a stalker' list.

"Hans, meet David Averman aka Les." He smiled at me a big warm friendly smile.

"You must be the new player Charlie was telling me about."

"What player?" I asked looking at him, "I said I'd let you teach me how to skate."

"It's only if you want," Charlie said blushing a little.

"Either way it is very nice to meet you Averman aka Les."

"Nice to meet you too." I said relaxing a little. Hans quickly and efficiently fitted me in skates and a helmet. Talking the whole time.

"Your family just moved here, huh?" He asked strapping some padding to my knee.

"Yeah, Sir got transferred here. He's in the army." I explained.

"Moving around so much must be hard." He said looking up at me.

"I guess." I shrugged. "But this time where staying. He got transferred here for good."

"Really?" Charlie asked. I nodded.

"You don't sound to excited." Hans said thoughtfully leaning back. I shrugged again feeling very shy all the sudden. "Ahh, it takes time to get use to it here. I know when I came here it took a long time to get to love it. But don't worry, this boy." He said pointing over to Charlie, "He's been a good friend to me and now he is for you. I have a feeling you'll fit right in." I nodded believing him for some odd reason. "All right, all done." He said. "Have fun boys. And Les, I hope to see you again very soon." He winked at both of us. I thanked him once more before walking out.

"He's nice." I said the bell overhead chiming again. "In a creepy Santa sort of way."

"He can have that effect on people," Charlie laughed, "But yeah, he's been great to us." He added. We came down the hill enough that I could clearly see the rink below us. I paused for a moment watching the 'hockey' game that was happening down on the ice. Either they were really bad or hockey involved much more laying and tripping on the ice then I ever though.

Charlie laughed after a long moment. "We really suck, huh?"

"Oh no," I said immediately, "Your just playing the European version, right?" He shook his head confused. "You know where they confuse their opponents by laying there?" I explained trying to keep from laughing.

"Oh yeah, that's it, I knew I was forgetting something… The European version." He said trying to fight back his own laughter. "Guy Connie and Jesse are all pretty good, and I guess I'm alright. We just need to practice more." He said defending his team.

I shrugged," Lead the way Captain." I saluted him. At this he pushed me. We trudged down to meet the others. The skates felt awkward on my feet. Half way down butterflies started pounding around in my stomach, please God. Or anything else that controls the cosmic universe let something happen so I don't make a complete fool of myself.

"Look who's back?" The man barks as we walk up. "Get on the ice you little Bastards." He bellowed.

I placed one foot out on the ice my eyes tightly shut. I was shocked to find a whole sixty seconds later I was still standing. I tentatively put my other skate down on the ice. All right step one accomplished. I attempted to lift one of my feet to find that it was very heavy.

Charlie skated over to me. "How's it going?" He asked.

"Fine as long as I can play hockey with out ever moving from this spot." I said in a cool casual tone.

He snorted at me. "Real funny." He took one of my arms. "You don't really lift your feet, you kinda glide. Like that." He said pointing over to Connie as she effortlessly moved across the ice. I watched for another second before taking off.

Instead of looking gracefully with all my motions effortless I looked more like a new born giraffe. Eight second into my wobbling my legs came out from under me leaving me on the ice staring up at Charlie.

"Like that?" Was the first thing that came out of my mouth. He laughed extending an arm.

"Not quiet, but almost." He said slowly. We both new that 'almost' was a very kind adjective.

"Oh Charles, you flatter me so." I said with a mock southern accent. He gave me a weird glance and an awkward silence followed. Right. I always seem to forget there are reasons I'm anti-social. No one ever gets it.

Then I heard giggling from behind us. Followed by a crack of laughter. Soon every one was laughing. Charlie mouth breaks into a smile. "Funny Les, real funny." He said pushing me.

Physics question, take the force of Charlie push and put one uncoordinated geeks on skates and what do you get? The answer: me lying flat on my back yet again. Apparently the hilarity of the moment was lost on me.

It took a few minutes before everyone regained composure. The problem with that being the moment they all got over it, the humor caught up with me. Which made me laugh, which in turn made every else laugh again.

I was just about having fun when a whistle was blown. "What the hell do kinds think your doing, hm?" He said lighting another cigar. "You think this is funny, hm. You just want to have fun? Fun is for pansy's you understand." He shook his head. "You little bastards need to learn how to you play. You suck, you stink, you little good for nothing bastards." The man suddenly gripped his arm and hit the ice.

With that came the conclusion of my first ever hockey practice. Can't I do anything normal?

AN: In re-doing everything I didn't bother to leave my comments to reviews so I wanted to let each and every one of you know you ROCK!

Oh and Katie, are you happy now??


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